Honesty
by MoonlightGardenias
Summary: A post Season two fic, from Addison's perspective. She discovers the truth about Derek and Meredith and is faced with decisions that she never thought she'd have to make. Not an Addek story, this is just a proAddison story
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:Okay, So I've had this idea rolling around in my mind since the end of 'Losing my Religion'. I just wanna say that while I am a MerDer fan (sorry guys)-I _still_ like Addy.So basically-here's the story:**

**Set the day after the prom, from Addison's point of view. She doesn't yet know about Derek and Meredith's 'escape'. Other character's POV's may be mixed in the story, like Derek or even Callie for instance (I know some people don't like her, but she still plays an integral part.After all, she's the one who 'found' Derek and Meredith, right?)**

**I don't own Grey's...the characters are from the mind of the brilliant Shonda Rhimes...If I do create Characters (i.e. patients)-that's pretty much the only thing I'll 'create'.**

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I hear them before I see them. They're talking again. I should turn around and take another route, but still I continue.

"Addison."He says, somewhat surprised.

"You left early this morning...is something wrong?"I ask, nearly afraid of the answer. His eyes look tired, obviously from the shock of the night before. The death of Denny took an unexpected toll on everyone. I only hope that he's 'talking' to Meredith again for Izzie's sake-but my gut tells me otherwise.

"I had an emergency surgery.I tried to wake you."Derek insists.

Meredith seems fidgety, almost afraid of being there. "I'll see you later."She says, walking away.

"Is everything okay?"I ask after she leaves.

"Why wouldn't it be?"He retorts, almost sarcastically. Something feels different. I can't place it, but something about Derek has changed. Dismissing it, I figure I should get to my office-patients, you know.

"Look...I have to get to my office.Can we talk?"

He frowns, seemingly contemplating my offer. "Lunch."He says, as if that would solve everything.

I smile, nodding. "Lunch.Lunch is good.I'll see you then."I say before walking off.

Before long, my walk is interrupted. "Doctor Shephard."I hear someone say.

Turning around, I see Doctor Torres. "Yes?"

She seems nervous, almost afraid to meet with my eyes. "I need a consult on my case."

It seems a little odd, but intrigued, I let her continue.

"My patient-I was planning for a surgery.Well, she just discovered that she was pregnant.I was...hoping you could examine her...tell me if it would be safe to perform the surgery."

"Okay.Tell her to come see me later today."I say, somewhat relieved. Anything to take my mind off the day, off of everything that has been happening. Instead of going to my office like I had said, I go to visit Preston.

I'm not at all surprised to see Cristina Yang asleep in the chair beside the bed, wearing the same dress she had the night before. She looks tired, withdrawn. Preston is sleeping, a crease in his forehead interrupting his otherwise peaceful form.

I decide that it would be best if I left when I hear movement from inside the room. "Addison..."

"Preston."I say, not sure what else there is to say. My only thought in coming was the hopes of seeing a friend. Now that I'm here I wonder if I'd been better off staying away. He's Derek's patient, and chances are he'll show up soon.

He looks over to see Cristina asleep in the chair. "She...never left."He says, almost surprised.

"She loves you."

The words seem to comfort him a little until I see him lift his hand, shaking a little. "Does Derek know?" The question seems like a natural thing to ask. "Your hand-it shouldn't be shaking like that, should it?"

Preston looks away, ignoring the problem that he knows is there. "Have you seen Doctor Stevens?Cristina-she's worried about her."

I shrug, not really sure where the intern is. "No.I'm afraid I don't."I say, feeling somewhat awkward. "I should go.I'm glad you're..."

Realizing how awkward what I would have said would have been, I wince.

"It's fine, Addison.Take care of yourself."

Leaving his room, I laugh. _Take care of yourself_. If only it were that easy.

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My morning was almost free, something I hadn't expected. I had a patient postpone an appointment-something came up she had said.

And so I went to the on call room. My office was too cluttered at the moment to sit and think. So I went to the on call room, expecting to be alone. That is until I hear sobbing coming from one of the beds.

Leaning down, I see Izzie Stevens-curled up, crying.

"Doctor Stevens?"I call.

"I'm not a doctor."She says through sobs. "I tried to come in today.I thought I could handle coming back...after Denny. But I can't.I-"She stops speaking, as if she's becoming aware of the fact that I'm there.

Wiping frantically at her tears, she sits up. "I should...leave."

"No."I say, afraid to see her leave. "You can stay here until you've calmed down."

"Then what?"Izzie asks. Staring straight ahead, her eyes are blood shot. I silently wonder if she had any sleep the night before. Knowing the answer, I sigh.

"Dr.Burke was looking for you...Cristina was in his room. Maybe seeing him would-"

"Cheer me up?There's no cheering to do, Addison.Denny's gone...I killed him.I'm not a surgeon.End of the story."

"Then why did you come here?Why are you waiting in the on call room?"I ask, wanting to help her.

She shakes her head, almost as if she doesn't know the answer herself. "I don't know what to do."

"Izzie-"I say, thinking carefully. "You can't quit being a surgeon.I've seen you work...you're excellent at it.Just because-"

"Just because I _killed_ the love of my life-that doesn't mean I should stop working?"

I'm not sure where to take this. She's clearly upset, and so far it doesn't seem that I'm helping much. "Look-do you want me to page someone for you?Alex is my intern today...maybe he could take you home to rest for a while?"

Izzie seems to like the idea, but still seems overly distracted. ''I need to see Doctor Burke first.He-He asked to see me."

Standing back up, she shakily heads for the door.

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Lunch came before I had time to realize. Sitting alone in the cafeteria, I think about yesterday. How much everything has changed. The glitter, the ballons, the lights-they're all gone. But the strange sadness they all left behind-I can't figure out why.

Derek hasn't come in yet and for that I'm almost greatful. When we got home last night, he seemed shaky, he'd barely say a word to me. Then he just climbed in bed, trying to fall asleep. I woke up at three that morning to find him wide awake.

I don't see how he could have trouble sleeping. He wasn't the one who had been shot, or who had had their supposed fiance' die before their eyes. But still-he was Derek.

Glancing up from my tray, I see him coming towards me. The second we lock eyes, he plasters a smile on his face as if to say "everything's fine."-I know that's a lie.

"Hey."

"Hi."I say, wondering where to take this.

After a few minutes of just sitting there, neither of us seems sure of anything to say. "Derek-"

"Addison...I'm sorry I left this morning. Without leaving a note, I mean.Okay?"

"Okay."Seems to be the only thing I can say to him.

Sighing, he sits back-just staring at his food.

"Something's wrong."

He looks up at me, almost accusingly. "I didn't..."He stops, sighing.

"I'm not accusing you of anything. All I said was that something was wrong.You know it, too.So..."

"So..."Derek says as he takes the first bite of his food.

"Are we okay?"

He shrugs, as if to say 'why not?'.

"I'm being serious, here. Last night you seemed distracted...this morning you leave without saying good bye-''

"I told you I tried to wake you up."

Sighing, I know something's wrong now. I'm almost certain. I'm about to say something when Meredith walks up to our table.

"Addison..."She says, nervous. Looking over at Derek, I notice he seems to tense up.

"Yes?"

"I..."She pauses, as if she's considering what to say. "Thank you...for talking to Izzie.I didn't even know she was here.I know that's kind of...bad. But-Thank You."

Smiling, I have to admit that it's nice-having an actual conversation with her. But as she's speaking, I can't help but notice-she doesn't look me in the eye.

"It's no problem.She needed someone to talk to."I say, not sure how she'll react.

"Anyway-she's been through a lot and I just...Thank You."She says, walking away.

A sigh is heard from Derek's side of the table.

"I thought you two weren't arguing anymore."I say.

"We're not-we're all friends, remember?"

"Right."I say, my gut telling me otherwise. I decide to leave that topic alone when yet another person comes up to the table-Callie Torres.

"Doctor Shephard."She says.

I begin to stand, thinking it's about the patient she spoke with me about this morning, but instead, she interjects.

"No.I meant...you."She says, pointing to Derek. "I need to speak with you."Callie says, somewhat embarassed. "I'm sorry, I just need-"

"It's okay."I say smiling, but silently wondering what she would have to speak to him about. 'It's a hospital' I think. But what are the chances her patient needs brain surgery?

"I'm sorry."Derek says, as if it would help. Shakily, he stands. "I'll see you at home." Kissing me on the cheek, he leaves. An act that to anyone else would seem sweet-but something's off.

Shaking the thoughts from my head, I return to my salad. Sitting alone again, I know it'll be a matter of time before rumors start to arise. The only problem with that?-Looking over at the table where Bailey's interns sit...I get a feeling they already have.

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**Okay, so I know it's different-and it's actually not how I originally planned. Originally, it was going to be a one piece fic. However, there's more now. So-should I continue? R&R, please!**


	2. Punishment

**Thanks to all who reviewed. I was a little hesitant to post a story like this at first, 'cause ****the whole 'season three' thing has been used so many times. I don't really consider this ****the next season. Rather-the realization (In everyone's eyes) that nothing is as perfect as they ****wish it were.-All ultimately leading to Addison (being as this is a pro-Addison, non Addek ****fic) coming to terms with...well, everything.**

**Like I said before, I'll be featuring other POV's here and there amidst Addison's because of ****the fact that other things are happening that ultimately lead to the end. Anyway, without giving ****anything away, I guess I should move on, huh?**

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_Plans are a good things to have-until you realize that no matter what you do, something is going to __happen-be it falling in love with a different person, being in a car crash, or even taking a phone call-that __can ruin that plan. The point? The best laid plans often fall through. And when they do, you have to __face the truth-wether you like it or not. _

**(Derek's POV)**

We rode home in the same car that night, though it didn't feel like it. Addison sat on her side of the car while I drove. There were times earlier in our marriage when I'd "accidentally" brush my hand against hers-but not now.

Now-she was in the bedroom getting dressed for bed and I was at the dining table downing a glass of water trying to muster the strength to tell her the truth.

Why did the truth have to be so hard? If it was easy, she would have known by now. Actually, if it was easy-she probably wouldn't even be in Seattle now.

But she is, and so am I. And so is Meredith.

She stares at me from the bedroom doorway. I can feel her eyes staring into me, wondering any number of things. She's just as afraid to speak as I am at that moment. The last thing we said to each other was "You ready to go home?"

She clears her throat, walking past me to the kitchen. I should follow her, I should apoligize. I should tell the truth, I know. But I don't know how.

The chair across from mine is now occupied. She stares across at me, glass of water in hand. She's waiting for me to speak. She knows I have something to say. But I still refuse to say anything.

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**(Meredith's POV)**

I'm in the kitchen, taking a batch of cookies out of the oven. Izzie has been baking like crazy the past couple of days, and truthfully I don't blaim her.

She barely speaks, except to say we need eggs or flour. Cristina called from the hospital to talk to her, but she wouldn't speak.

I don't know who I am anymore. A funny time for that thought to strike me-eleven at night, oven mits on.

Finn called twice today, and I didn't reply to either call. I hate what I did, and maybe that's what hurts the most. This is punishment. This is the punishment I need to get over what I did.

What _we_ did. I wonder what he's doing now. He's been quiet, not in shock just-quiet. Derek and I have this awkward speaking thing-but we try and avoid getting in the same elevator.

George stumbles into the kitchen, Callie quickly follows. "Where is she?"He asks.

"Upstairs with Alex...he came over earlier."I say, pulling the oven mit off.

"So you're on cookie duty, huh?"He asks, pulling an already cooled off one from the counter.

"I woudn't do that-"Callie warns, not that it helps. "You remember what happened yesterday-she went off on me because I touched a brownie.She counts those things."

But it's too late, the cookie's already in his mouth.

"So why'd you guys come home early?"I ask, knowing it's none of my business. Anything to get my mind off the fact that I'm in the kitchen, counting cookies. And-oh yeah-my problems.

"There was a fight at Joe's.George here tried to break it up and well..."Callie trailed off, assuming that I'd fill in the blanks. I guess the bruise on his cheek should have been my first clue.

She just stands there awkwardly. She's not sure if she should be here, and yet she still is. I don't mean to treat her like an outcast, Callie actually seems sort of nice. But she doesn't want to talk. And she doesn't want to accept our crazy, twisted version of a family.

The fact that she saw me and Derek together adds extra tension. "Well-George..."She says after casting me a warning glance. "I should go.Tell Izzie I said hello."

"I will."George says, walking to the door. When he returns, I'm sitting at the table. He sits next to me, seemingly worried.

"Okay-spill."

I stare at him, puzzled. ''What?"

"What does Callie know that I don't?I try talking to her...and she seems almost afraid. The way she looked at you...what happened, Mer?''

That's all it took. I buried my head in my hands, my elbows resting on the table. It's a time like this that I wish Cristina was here. She's knock sense into me. But instead-I get George. The one I broke. The one that turned to someone else. George.

"I...I slept with Derek.I didn't mean to. I don't even know if I wanted to. He kept looking at me-and he followed me.I just..."I stopped, looking at his clearly stunned face. "Don't know."

"Oh."He says. I can't decide if the look on his face is of disappointment or understanding.

"I'm sorry."I say, realizing how pathetic I sound. "For...For pouring this out on you. I just-"

"I understand, Mer.What are you going to do?''

I realize then that he's not mad. It's almost as if he saw it coming. "I don't know."

"Have you talked about it?"

"Not really. Callie...she...she came to tell me that Izzie needed me."

"And you ran."

Smiling sadly, I took a sip from my drink. "Yep.I wish I could stop running.I wish-"

He stops me, grabbing the cordless phone off the counter. Looking at me almost sadly, he sighs.

"I'm supposed to call him?At eleven at night?"

He then does something very odd. Very un-george. "What's his number?"

"What?"

"I'm tired of McDreamy hurting you, Mer.What's his number?"

It hits me. _George_ wants to call him. We still have an awkwardness about us, but he's my friend. And he wants to help me. "You know what...maybe I should...I should do it."

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**(Addison's POV)**

At some point I gave up, going to bed. I lay, staring at the wall. I wish he'd talk to me. I know something's wrong. I can feel it. Derek's never this quiet. His cell phone ringing breaks the silence. I wait for him to answer.

"Hello?"He says, almost relieved. "I'm sorry, I can't-" He sighs, almost as if he's trying to come up with an excuse. "I know, that's very true but...Okay.What?...No.I know...but please...okay.Bye."

I know better than to ask who it was, but I already know. It's out of the question. "Derek?"

He turns towards me.

"What are we doing?"

He gets up, turning on the light. "I uh...I have to leave."

"Where are you going?"

He looks at me, sadness tinging his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Derek...talk to me here. Please?"

He motion for me to come towards him. Awkwardly, I climb out of bed. Going towards him, he kisses me. I try to pretend I liked it-it's not that I didn't. But he's acting so different, so forceful.

Derek pulls back, sighing. "I'm sorry, Addy."

"Sorry for what, Derek?What's going on?" He goes about his business, pulling on a pair of pants.

"I don't really know.But this...us..."

"That was Meredith on the phone, wasn't it?"

He doesn't answer me. He pulls a shirt over his head, walking into the living room. He pulls on his boots, almost angry.

"Derek, talk to me!"I say, almost desperate now. And then it hits me. He's leaving. He's going to her.

He's choosing her this time.

"I don't want to hurt you, Addison."Derek says, standing up. Sighing, he walks towards me. Reaching up, he moves the hair out of my face. "We tried."

"We tried?"I cry. "We're not over, Derek.I love you..."

"I slept with her.In an empty exam room.I...I lied about the patient.I've tried being the husband that you wanted. But I can't, Addy.I'm sorry."

He heads toward the door, leaving me in a mess of confusion and wonder. I feel tears, begging to fall.

"Derek."

He turns toward me.

"That's...That's all I get?'We tried'...'I'm sorry' ? We're still married, Derek. I still love you. I chose _you_ over Mark...over New York. And everything that I had going there to come here...I came to you. I don't deserve this."

"You're right."

I'm not sure which one of us is more wrong. I should have known. I shouldn't have come. But I'm here. And I've got to worry about what this will do to us. It's clear that we're over. What isn't clear is which one of us will admit it first.

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**I'm not sure how long this'll be...if any of you have any ideas, feel free to let me know.I do ****know that there'll probably be some angst-ish stuff coming up. I know Derek was a little ****OOC-I tried to avoid that, but still capture the whole raw emotion thing.**

**I chose "Punishment" as the title, because it's a song I like. It's from a group called SHeDAISY. I won't post the lyrics here, but I think it really fits with the whole "I guess that love became a crime" type of thing. Anyway-R&R!**


	3. Letting Go

**So I guess something has been up with the site as of late, but luckily all is well now-I really ****wanted to write this chapter. Because as much as I love Derek, as much as I want he and ****Meredith together-he needs to suffer. Okay, I know how bad that sounds. But what I'm saying, ****is he needs to be honest with himself before anyone else. And both Addison and Meredith ****deserve something better than what they've been getting lately. So yeah-this chapter may be ****kinda depressing.**

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**(Derek's POV)**

I left the trailer with no clear destination in mind. Meredith had called. She wanted me to come over, to talk things through. But I couldn't. Atleast not yet. I had told Addison the truth about what happened, and it had nearly killed me.

She looked at me, so hurt. So-sad. I don't remember the last time she looked at me any different, really.

But the truth needed to be told. She didn't need me anymore. I didn't know if she's head back to New York or if she'd stay in Seattle at that moment.

I stopped at the stoplight, watching the the rain drops pelt my windshield. The red glow coming from the light cast a shadow across the car, causing a certain eerieness. I had the radio on, and a song from The Clash was playing-but I wasn't paying much attention. I wasn't any good to Meredith or Addison right now. Because I didn't know what I felt. I needed to get my thoughts in order before anything else happened.

Somehow, by fate or by some sort of subconcious decision, I wound up back at the hospital. I sat in the car, debating on going inside. The engine had been turned off for several minutes now, just the lull of the rain and the sound of my own breathing. I decided to go see Burke. I atleast owed him that much, being there.

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**(Addison's POV)**

Derek had left hurriedly. I didn't know if I'd see him again that night, if ever, really. I sat cross legged on the bed, making sure everything was in my suitcase. I wasn't leaving everything, but I knew that I couldn't spend another night in the trailer. It reminded me too much of him, of us.

My eyes fell on my cell phone. Going through my phone book, I contemplated calling Mark. I hated admitting it, but in a crazy way, I missed hearing his voice. But I knew that if I were to call him now, he'd sense something was wrong, and he'd come running. And that alone would be an "I told you so."

Picking the suitcase off of the bed, I took one last look around. It wasn't until then did I realize that I wasn't sure where I'd stay-I just couldn't stay there. I hate knowing that Mark was right, that our marriage was over.

It wasn't that I didn't love Derek. Because I guess a part of me still did. But Seattle just wasn't for me anymore.

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**(Meredith's POV)**

It was late that night, but I couldn't sleep. George was upstairs with Izzie, which left me on the couch. The lights were out and the pale glow from the TV seemed to reach out to me.

I was half asleep when I heard a knock on the door. Getting up, I saw who was at the door.

"Addison?"I asked, not sure if I should regret it.

She stood all regally, looking somewhat shaken, but still standing tall. She seemed greatful about the fact that I answered the door.

"Could I come in?I know it's late-so I won't stay too long"

I open the door further, letting Addison in. Something about the look on her face, almost one of sadness coupled with shock-I'm scared to ask. Shutting the door, I look towards her.

"I'm sorry...for coming this late."She says, seemingly trying to keep calm.

"It's fine.Are you okay?"

''Derek and I are over."Addison said, laughing a little. "I don't even know why I came here."

"No.Addison-"I say, not sure what I would say. "You're upset.It's fine."

"No, it's not.He told me."

"I'm sorry-"I say, clamoring for excuses.

"Please-"She says, tired of excuses. "I don't want excuses.The truth is he'll probably be here soon.So I wanted to warn you.I know it wasn't planned...most of the time it never is.But I asked you-"

"I was telling the truth.At the time-I told you the truth. Addison, I never meant for that to happen.I didn't want that to happen...atleast not the way it did.I made a mess of things, You two love each other and I came in, screwing that all up.If anyone's to blaim here, it's-"

"Derek."Addison says, cutting me off. It was then that Iooked at her, and I was surprised-there wasn't any anger there. Rather-it was more of acceptance.

"What?"

"He lied to me about you.He lied to you about me...granted, both of us are to blaim, too.I should hate you...or have a grudge.Something..."Addison says, as if that would solve everything.

''You don't?"

"There was a time when I did.Not too long ago, actually. I came here thinking I'd make some big talk about how you and Derek chose without even thinking about me.But Meredith?Derek loves you.I don't know if you've noticed...or even if you care.But he does.And..."Staring at me, she shrugged.

"I don't know what else to say.I'd like to think that when I leave-"

"You're leaving?"I ask, watching the expression on her face. I'm not sure if I should be surprised or relieved-I know that sounds bad.

"Not yet.But I probably will. We work in a hospital-it's a small world and I can't take the risk of running into him again. I'm not running away from my problems.I know that's what you're thinking. But if you do anything-wait."Addison says that as if it were easy.

I should be asking her to leave. I should be telling her all the reasons why instead of me ruining her life she was the one who came in and ruined mine-but I can't.

"Addison...I'm sorry.I know that's not enough.But I-"I stop. There were no words for now, were there?

"Look...Derek-he's complciated.I know you know that.But..."She bites her lip and it occurs to me-all the times I've seen her-the hospital or otherwise-I've never seen her like this. She's not giving up, but she's just backing away. Addison nervous is enough to make anyone that way.

"Just be careful.I know that you don't want to hear this from me-but he's still confused.He's still got to get things together. I wanted to make sure...I wanted to see for myself that it was really over. I got what I came here for...it's time to move on."

"You don't have to leave.What happened at Prom...that was my fault.I let him..."

"Stop making excuses, Meredith.Okay?I know what happened.It was partially my fault.If I had just signed the divorce papers in the first place...I would have been out of your life.What happened would never have been considered 'bad'.But it did happen the way it did.And there's nothing we can do to change that.''

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**(Derek's POV)**

I left Burke's room early-he'd been sleeping. But he woke up just long enough to realize that I was there.

Instead, I drove further way. I went to see the ferry boats. I'm not really sure why. But standing there watching them, I wondered what would happen-had I actually signed the papers when Addison handed them to me.Had I just signed them-we wouldn't be in this position right now.

Nobody's moving. It's just silent except for the sound of my own breathing. I'm about to leave when I hear my cellphone ringing again. I think it's Meredith until I stare at the screen.

"Look, Addison-I'm sorry.Okay.And for the record...I didn't run to see Meredith.I'm sorry I left the way I did.But I just needed to think."

"I Understand."She says, seemingly upset. I hear the sound of an engine coming from her end of the line.

"Where are you?You left?"

"Not yet."Addison says, a sound of finality in her voice. "I left my key under the mat.Just be sure to pick it up when you get back."

I'm not sure how to answer her. "So...you're leaving?Addy, we need to talk."

"I'm done talking, Derek."She spits out my name as if it's poisonous, as if it'll be the last time she'll sayit.

"I'm done talking...I'm done trying to work things out.I left the papers-_signed_ on the table.We just aren't working.I'm the one who can accept that.I'm the one who's leaving.'

Speechless. That pretty much describes it. I slept with Meredith. I know I did. I'm still debating wether or not I regret it. But just like that she leaves?

"Goodbye, Derek.I hope that you find what you were looking for. She deserves better, you know.I won't be around to get in your way."Addison still seems to be on the phone, as if to wait and hear what I have to say.

Is she defending Meredith?

"Addison..."

"It's done.I'm done.If you see me at Seattle Grace tomorrow...look the other way.Okay?I'll be leaving Seattle soon but until then...as far as I'm concerned-we're over.I can't live like this anymore."

With that, I hear the dial tone.She's gone. Not just waiting to see. Not sitting around, playing with the possibility. Addison's leaving. I should feel free. I should be happy. I should be feeling and thinking about all the things I can do now.

But instead, I feel something else. Not dread-or even sadness. A sense of finality. Addison was right, though. Meredith does deserve better. Maybe in time I'll get a better sense of where I'm at. But until then, I head home. And for the first time in months-Addison won't be there.

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**A/N-Okay, so I haven't decided if that's the end or not. I was going to have Addison just leave, ****you know...but maybe not. I tried thinking through a big, angsty like scene between Mer and ****Addy-I just couldn't do it. Do you think I should continue?If you do, what should happen?**

**Anyway...R&R!**


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